I’m the everyday typical Nigerian undergraduate: I go to classes that hardly teach anything; gossip with my girlfriends when we are lecture free or when Mr Ozor is in class, his classes are as boring as two tortoise fucking; go back to my lodge at the end of the day and dive into the world of Harlequin, Chimamanda, Stephen King, Virginia wolf or my all time favorite:Literotica; then hang out with my girls till we get bored of ourselves and last but not the least, masturbate before bed. Like I said, typical.
But all this changed one day on a cool Sunday afternoon, when my Big mouth opened up to give an innocent advice. Ladies and Gents don’t be a big mouth like me. Just don’t.
It was the first semester of 200 level. Chioma, Lizzy and Kosi had their eyes glued to their phones, their thumbs moving rapidly on the screen and every once in a while a giggle would escape their lips, while I had my nose stuck in Chimmanada’s Americanah.
” Aswear I’ve tire to chat with this guy, I honestly don’t know what else to say. We’ve basically covered all the topics that their is cover.” Kosi groaned.
“Which guy be that?” Chioma asked , not taking her gaze from her phone’s screen.
“The new one, Chima.” Kosi beamed, ” He has a car.”
The two girls “oooh-ed.” A guy with a car was on the top of their list.
Okay, a little about the list. Its actually not written, more like a verbal list of the type of guys they could hook up with.
The list consisted of three parts:Top, middles and Bottom.
Guys with Cars, their own rooms that was well furnished with a generator of course, or someone that was very popular especially with those that had the above mentioned were on the top.
Cute guys, the ones with sexy accents, brilliant and fine, social, funny and talented were found in the middle.
While Fat, broke, Ugly, talkative or downright annoying guys were located at the bottom.
“So what was the last thing you guys talked about?” Lizzy asked.
“He asked what I would do to him when we meet tomorrow.”
“And what did you tell him?” Chioma was the one to ask.
“The usual line na, that I would fuck him really good.” Kosi said with a smile, showing off her cute dimples that dug into her chuby cheeks.
“And then?” Lizzy probed.
“He simply replied with ‘o.k.'” Kosi’s said, her smile fading with each word as she turned her phone screen towards them.
“That’s not good!” Lizzy said.
“At alllll!” Chioma drawled, her eyes finally off her screen and looking at Kosi’s intently.
” And he’s online but doesn’t want to send any other text. What am I going to do? What should I say? I don’t want to loose this one!” Kosi said, a tinge of panic evident in her voice.
I could have just watched, allowed the drama to play out, enjoy the show even, but no, I had to open my Big mouth.
” Kosi take am easy.” I finally said, leaving the comfortable chair I sat on–the one facing the window that poured in breeze into my room, as i took a few steps towards them–I fucking left it.
I squat beside the bed where she and the two girls were splayed on.
” Shebi na just ‘OK’ he type?”
“But you know what happens when a girl types ‘Ok’, not to talk of a guy. It’s the end.” Chioma chipped in.
” I get Chioma, but Kosi you can save this.”
“How?” The three chorused, all eyes on me.
” You have to hook him back in!”
” I don’t know what else to say, I sent a cute pic with my boobs very visible but he’s not even shaking.” Kosi said. She had a “no nude policy”, we all did. Trust was a commodity to expensive to be given to guys they just wanted to bang especially with the high rate of nudes being put on the internet these days. So sexy pics were the only ones sent, pics that anyone of us could still post online.
My gaze trailed to her boobs that were spilling out of her top and I tried to imagine how anyone in their right mind won’t shake at the sight of her boobs. Even I shook, and I was a girl!
“Let’s start from the basics. Give me your phone.”
She unlocked her phone and handed it to me as she join the other girls that surrounded me on both sides.
The glow from her screen illuminated my face as I tried to remember every dirty line that I’d ever read in a book.
I scrolled downwards to have a glimpse of who Chima was, but couldn’t get much.
Me: How large?
That was first thought that came to my head and that what I wrote. Kosi gave me her famous “are you serious?!” look. Chioma giggled softly while Lizzy just looked at me as though I was an alien
“That’s your hook?” Lizzy asked, the shock clearly evident her voice.
“I don’t see no bubbles; he’s not going to reply.”Chioma said matter of factly
” He’s not that type Amara, he doesn’t like such directness! ” Kosi whined.
“You should have been more specific, na quiz be this?” Chioma giggled as she added, ” see wetin too much reading dey cause.”
“I disagree!” Lizzy protested, ” This ain’t a quiz…” She turned to give me an encouraging smile, “…I get it now, she’s giving off a mysterious vibe. Most guys like that!”
“Hmph! Supporters club! Let me just state for the record that I never supported this whole drama in the first place. I knew it was not going to work. I knew it!” Chioma hissed.
Ladies and Gents, how to know your true friends 101, say something crazy and watch them show you their real colours.
“Its going to work!” I muttered, but it was more like a prayer. No one asked me to help, no one! But I volunteered, or rather, my Big mouth did, so I had no one to blame if things turned out bad, no one but myslelf.
“I don’t want to loose this one!” Kosi mourned.
“Wait…wait! I see bubbles.” Lizzy exclaimed!
Everyone turned their attention to the phone screen.
“See…he replied!” Lizzy chirped.
“He simply asked ‘what’, it means he didn’t even get the question.”
“That’s not true Chioma, and you know it!” Lizzy said.
“What I know is that Amara doesn’t know what she’s doing. How could she when she doesn’t even have a boyfriend.”
“And how would you know? Your boyfriend is the shy type, and he doesn’t talk much. So how can you tell if he’s actually turned on by your Sexting or just to shy to say its garbage! If you can do better why not take the phone and show us!” Lizzy barked.
” Stop it…you two better stop all this now!” I yelled, giving them the meanest glare I could muster, ” I don’t get what this whole fight is about, but you guys should stop it if not I’m going to stop.” I looked at them one at a time, ” No more talks from you guys.Not.A. Word…” Then I faced Kosi, “…unless you want to continue.”
This got them quiet and they retuned back to their original position: a semicircle around me.
Me: How big are you?
Chima: Lol. You wanna know huh?
Me: I’ve wanted to know for a long time now.
Chima: All you had to do was ask.
Me: And I just did.
Chima: I want to say but you won’t believe me.
Me: Try me
Chima: Lol. Not bragging but I can bet you haven’t seen anything bigger.
Me: Prove it, send a pic.
Chima: I got a better idea. How about you come over and take a look.
“Wow…woooow! Girl you are good!” Lizzy declared.
“I’ll admit it, I was wrong. You’ve got skills bae.” Chioma said with a smile.
I blew a breath of relief, few more bubbles and I would be done with the the Chima drama. That’s what I thought.
“What do I say?” I asked a bubbly Kosi that could barely remain seated.
“Do you have to even ask?” She asked jumping off from the bed ,”Say yeeees!”
“What time?” Is asked.
“TODAY! TODAYYYY!” She screamed.
Me: I’ll be seeing you ‘both’ this evening then *wink*
Chima: Lol. We will be expecting you.
Me: Can’t wait.
Chima: I’m a little surprised though. I didn’t expect you to be this fun.
The gazes of the girls left the phone screen and landed on me.
“He’s right. We never knew you could do this, why have you been hiding your talents all these while.” Lizzy said.
“Yeah, you saved my ass!” Kosi said, ” for him to finish later.” She added with a naughty smile.
“You are welcome Kosi.” I said as I typed the message that was meant to be the last one I sent to Chima.
Me: I guess you bring out the fun part of me.
Chima: When you come over, I intend to bring out more parts of you. Later.
Later? I wasn’t the one he was meant to see later, I wasn’t the one he was meant to see anytime! I was just trying to help a friiend, so why did it all end up so badly?