I want to heal–
I am afraid of healing.
I am afraid of healing because I feel I am empty without these wounds.
I am empty without these wounds because without them I think I have no stories to tell,
And these poems are the only significance I possess.
Without these poems, I am an underwater prisoner in a ship about to wreck,
I am the last echo of a prayer on the tongue of my mother,
I am a fraying suicide note which would never be discovered.
So living with my troubles is a tumour I am struggling to ignore even when it’s spreading fast underneath what you cannot see.
When pain becomes the only thing that gives meaning to your existence, how then can you choose to heal?
Wouldn’t you hug its sharp edges with a smile and watch the blood trickle?
In the end, I hope I am enough for myself to never see pain again as a drug for relevance.
I hope soon I will watch my wounds all heal and fade to scars.